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Ta yi shi sau da yawa.

Na sau da yawa na ambaci Princess Joanie a matsayin babban wulakanci, watau ta kasance da gaske kuma har yanzu IS mai wulakanci da findomina “au karin bayani”, amma ka yi imani da ni, da bodacious “fadi hipped” Madam Carrie, cewa “m” 23 shekara haihuwa yarinya daga Sichuan?

Mai dukiya mai suna “wannan sau daya ne”?

Ba ta da ƙasa da Joanie!

Ga cikakken misalin abin da nake nufi.

(bayan ta dawo daga tafiya mai ban sha'awa a Birtaniya cewa naka da gaske, ba shakka, AN SHIRYA!)

Ni ba komai in ba mai kyau cuck da footboy, da kuma atm na mutum! “Zan iya tambayar inda ka yi tafiya a U.K., Madam Carrie”, na tuna da rashin jin daɗin tambayarta bayan dawowarta da safiya bayan na yi mata karin kumallo, kuma ina tsammanin tana cikin mummunan yanayi a wannan rana.

“A'a. Ku rufe, yaro. Ba zaka gani ina cin abinci ba?” (wannan ba shakka cikin bambanci da sauran kwanaki inda ta so in “nishadantar da ita” a.k.a. “magana sama, yaro! Ina son nishaɗi na safe”)

Ina tsammanin wannan shi ne kwana biyu bayan ta samu dawowa, kuma jet lag a fili ba ta sawa ba, kuma ta yi magana cikin murya mara kyau, kamar dai ya ce “me ya sa fuck ni ma ana damuwa a wannan lokaci?”

“Ok, Ok” Na ce, kamar dai a kan reflex, da kuma duba baya, wannan shine daya daga cikin kuskuren REAL da na yi (kamar yadda ya saba da kuskuren da na yi ba tare da niyar zuwa ba) a duk lokacin da nake tare da Madam Carrie.

Akwai wasu, amma wannan shi ne wanda ke fitowa a zuciyarsa.

Kuma a sake tunani (ko da yake a baya, masoyi mai karatu yana koyaushe 20/20 da sauransu) Ina tsammanin amsar ta kasance kadan kadan ko da muna la'akari da “vanilla” (a.k.a ba mace ba) dangantaka. Ina nufin, abin da mace za ta so amsa kamar wannan lokacin da ta kasance a fili ba ji a saman duniya ba.

Wataƙila ina jin daɗi game da gaskiyar cewa ba za ta iya gaya mini inda ta yi tafiya ba (a kan dime!) , bari in gaya mani abin da ta yi.

Wataƙila shi ne pent-up ji na kasancewa “loaned” ga wani dangi baƙo (kyakkyawa Miss V, wanda na yi farin cikin cewa ba wani baƙo ba ne kuma, a kalla ba wadanda kyau dogon soles na hers!)

Duk abin da ya kasance, zunubi ne na ainihi mafi girma.

Amma ina tsammanin azabar da aka tabbatar ta isa tunatarwa a gare ni ba zan sake maimaita wannan kuskure ba, kamar yadda idanunta suka haskaka da fushi (a game da wannan batu na gane ta sosai faux pas, kuma ta jefa ta ruwan lemo a fuskata, kuma kamar yadda na yi gaggawar “hakuri, Madam”, kalmomin sun fito kamar maciji, kamar yadda na yi iska kamar yadda wasu daga cikin ruwan lemo ya sanya hanya a ciki strils da idona a zahiri shayar.

Wannan ya biyo bayan haka da wata babbar CRASH!

Chinaware (BABU puns nufi!) ya fadi a zahiri a ko'ina, kuma a minti daya ya yi amo kamar dukan jahannama ya fashe sako-sako, kuma a cikin dazed jihar tunani, har yanzu kokarin gano abin da ya faru, na ga Sarauniya daga “recliner”, kuma ga shards na china, saukad da “Tropicana” ruwan 'ya'yan itace (a fili ta dauki zato ga wannan alama bayan Birtaniya tafiya) da kuma ɓata guda na toast a ko'ina.

Wannan rikici ne a gabana, wanda shi ne omelet mai yalwar man shanu, ɓarna a saman shi yana kallon baya kamar tare da magana mai ban tsoro kuma yana cewa “abin da ya faru a nan, Mike”?

Wannan shine abin da na gani na gani aka sarrafa, ba shakka.

Na ji wani abu mai mahimmanci, kamar yadda aka maimaita kullun zuwa kai ya sa ni jin kamar jakar punching, kuma waɗannan dabino masu karfi sun yi mini wuya a duk lokacin da dabino ya sauka, ko kuma haka ya ji.

“Yaya kuskure ka yi kamar haka, yaro! Ya kamata ki sumbaci kafafuna ki ce sorry kina samun mugun safiya, Madam Carrie!”

Kuma a cikin taƙaitaccen ɗan gajeren lokaci ya ɗauke ta don ta sake yin wannan kashewa, Ingilishi ta inganta ta hanyar tsalle da iyaka, ta kuma sami lokaci don zubawa fuska sau biyu, wani abu da ba ta taɓa yi ba har yanzu idan na tuna daidai.

Kamar yadda spittle ya buga idona na hagu, ya sa ni sake yin haske (kamar dai ruwan 'ya'yan itace na orange ya ambaliya goshina da gada na hanci bai isa ba), ta zubar da ni sau biyu a fadin fuska don kyau gwargwado.

Abun kunya! Hagu na hagu ya ƙone kamar yadda kalmomin “Za ku tuna ku nuna hali na gaba, yaro!” Kuma idanu sun yi fushi da fushi da ban gani a cikinta ba kafin wannan.

Allah Madaukaki, ta gaske ya juya a cikin Sarauniya, NO LESS, a kalla daga tunanin mutum ra'ayi, kuma kamar yadda na yi kokarin (a banza) aiwatar da duk wannan, na ji wani m smack zuwa dama kunci.

Bayan haka, na ji zafi mai tsanani a cikin yatsun hagu, kuma “OUCH” mai ƙarfi ya tsere da ni kamar yadda na gane ta kawai ta buga tare da dukan “girma” idan ba “ƙila” ba (kuma a'a, ba “mite” ba; Ina tsammanin ka tuna da ni ambata kawai yadda ƙarfin wasu 'yan mata suke).

fadi zuwa ƙasa, dizzy, kuma abu na gaba da na sani shi ne cewa na “fuskanci zurfi” a omelet, kamar yadda ta dauki wannan damar ta kara fuskarta zurfi a cikin “eggy” rikici a gabana, daya kafa a saman kaina.

“Zan nuna maka, yaro!” , ya ce wannan wuta numfashi kusan 25 shekara haihuwa Sin vixen, kuma a nan dole ne in yarda cewa na kusan fara zubar da hawaye, don haka mamaki shi ne na a wannan kwatsam, m canji a cikin ta, da kuma sumbace ta ƙafafu da kuma roƙon ta koma tsohuwar Madam Carrie.

M, m da kuma m ko da yake “tsohon version” shi ne, Version # “Post U.K.” wani abu ne dabam, aboki na.

Na rufe idanuna, ina son guda na omelet da shards na gilashi kada su shiga idanuna, hanci ko lebe, wurare uku mafi m a fuskata kamar yadda za ka iya tunanin.

“Ku zauna kamar wannan, yaro”, ta yi magana ba zato ba tsammani, wannan lokacin tare da ƙananan venom, cire kafa daga saman kaina, amma akwai “sanyi irin ɓoye” zuwa muryarta duk da haka, kuma wannan ya sa ni shiver.

Madam Carrie - Volume #2 by Mike Watson

Kuma squeal, kamar yadda wani ɓarna na gwaiduwa ya goge idon ido, amma bai shiga ba.

Wani abu kuma ya yi, ko da yake. Ba a wannan batu ba, amma...

“Yauwa d'ai yaro!” kuma tsari ya bayyana, kuma na baza kafafu a fili yayin da nake cikin matsayi na durƙusa, fuskanci har yanzu ana binne shi a cikin rikici mai gooey a ƙasa, kuma ba zai kasance a cikin mafi ƙarancin rashin lafiya ba don ɗauka cewa ina da “omelet” maimakon fuska a yanzu.

Wannan yana tunatar da ni game da abin da ya faru a cikin ɗaya daga cikin litattafan da na fi so ta hanyar P.G.Wodehouse mai daraja, kuma abin ban dariya shi ne cewa yana ambata a nan. Ba zan iya tunawa da sunan littafin ba, amma yana daya daga cikin jerin “Jeeves”, wannan butler wanda ba a iya kwatanta ba wanda ya zama kamar yadda ya ajiye “bumbling matasa Master Wooster” fata sau da yawa.

“Na gode Jeeves”, Ina tsammanin shine take.

Kuma a nan, saboda wasu dalilai ya faru cewa Bertie Wooser ya makale a kan jirgin ruwa cike da “negro minstrels” (kalmar “Negro” kasancewar kowa a farkon 1900 ta lokacin da aka rubuta wadannan litattafai) kuma dole ya tsere ba tare da mai mallakar jirgin ba, wani burly “Old Stokes” lura.

Shirin tserewa kamar yadda Jeeves ya tsara shi ne, da kyau, baƙar fuskar Wooster don haka zai bayyana “ɗaya daga cikin ƙungiyar” a cikin “lokacin farin dare”, ya hau jirgin ruwa tare da su kuma ya tsere daidai.

Ba a taba samun marubucin kamar P.G. Wodehouse ba, don haka kwararre a wasan kwaikwayo, kuma kwararre wajen amfani da kalmomin Turanci don bayyana (slapstick) abubuwan barkwanci da abubuwan da suka faru a cikin hoto da kuma “dariya mai ban dariya” daki-daki, kuma babu tabbas zai kasance, masoyi mai karatu.

Ya zama kamar wani woolproof isa shirin, kuma ko da yake Wooster ya kawo karshe fitar da shi, kuma “tsere” nasara, abin kunya ba kome ba ne idan aka kwatanta da nawa a wannan lokacin, hindquarters high up a cikin iska da kafafu yada, da kuma ji na cikakken ta'addanci mallake ni kamar yadda na yi tunanin ta shirya don isar da wani kullun ga iyali jewels, da kyar kamar ban taba karba ba a baya, da zafi yanayin da na taba ji kafin ko dai.

“Madam, dan Allah! Kiyi hakuri!”

“Ku gafarce ni, Madam!”

Kuma wadannan kalmomi gused daga gare ni, amma “m” jihar na a tabbatar da cewa sun yi amo kamar da karin magana doki da rabi makale a ciki, kuma shi ba sa da wani ma'ana a kowane lokaci, kamar garbled “mutum” radio raƙuman ruwa kamar yadda yake.

Kuma abin da ya fi tsoro ga kwayoyi bai taɓa zuwa ba, amma bai ragu da ta'addanci ɗaya ba, kamar yadda na yi kuka a duk lokacin da na “ji” ta ɗaga waɗannan ƙafafun ta!

Dukkanin jikina ya girgiza yayin da na ji 'yan kicks zuwa yankin hagu na baya, amma waɗanda suka ji “soothing” idan aka kwatanta da abin da ya faru a baya, sa'an nan kuma, a ƙarshe, tsohuwar Madam Carrie ta dawo.

Ko kuma haka na yi tunani, kamar yadda daga wani wuri mai zurfi a cikin “general kusa” na ji wani sata giggle ko biyu.

“Kuna kallon kyakkyawa, yaro! A can ne, ana azabtar da ku saboda wani laifi, tare da fuskarku a binne zurfin cikin wannan rikici!”

Kuma a sa'an nan kuma ya faru, kamar yadda ta zahiri goge wani ɓangaren ƙonawa a kan jakarta!

“Abin da suke kira wedgie”, ta giggled Madam Carrie kamar yadda na squirmed ba tare da jin dadi ba, man shanu yana sa na asshole slick kuma ya fi sauƙi ga gurasa don zubar da ciki.

Kuma kamar yadda yake da sauri yayin da ya zubar da ciki, ya zubar da shi, a fili za a jefa shi a wani wuri, amma an maye gurbinsa da wani. Ya ji kamar “micro-penises” suna shiga da barin asshole a bazuwar, willy nilly, amma azzakari bai taɓa jin wannan “m” ba?

“Veggies, veggies” ya canza wannan sabon avatar na Madam Carrie, kuma ya yi kama da chant na yogic. “Wedgie boy”, ta yi tsawa.

Kuma yayin da ta ci gaba, ina tuna tunanin abin da “veggies chant” yake.

Ina nufin, eh ina da wedgies sama da jakarta, amma...

“Fitness, ƙafafata (kuma a nan ta ba da kullun ga dama)!” ta yi kasa gaba daya kwatsam. “Kina son cin veggies, ba kai yaro bane?”

Kuma tare da kullun ƙarshe, wannan lokaci ya isar da tsakiyar yankin na baya a duk, wani kullun da ya aika da ƙarshe na gasa 99% sama da rami, ta umarce ni in zauna, kuma abin da na gani a kusa da ni ya sake ni.

Ba haka ba ne omelet, ko rikici a ko'ina.

Ba gilashin da China ba ne wanda ya zama kamar sun zauna cikin kowane ɗaki da ɓangaren ɗakin (kuma abin da zan ciyar da sa'a mai zuwa a tsaftacewa, squirming kamar yadda ba a yarda in cire “wedgie na karshe” daga jakarta kamar yadda na tsabtace).

Kuma ko ta yaya, ko ta yaya, na san abin da zai tabbatar kamar yadda na ga ƙananan kayan da aka “ciki da waje” na dubura a warwatse kusa da ni.

Hangen nesa, masoyi mai karatu, ya sake 20/20 kuma ina tsammanin na tuna ambata a cikin wani kasa mai hoto dalla-dalla abin da na ji lokacin da aka umurce ni in lasa kaina cum up a cikin Kundin 1 da Kundin 2, amma daya “amfana” shi ne cewa tsokoki na ciki sun horar da su ba su jefa ta yanzu ba, kuma kamar yadda ta umurce ni in ci gaba da cin abincin, har yanzu duk abin da zan iya yi don ci gaba da kowane yanki kamar yadda na samu tily “gulped” su saukar ba tare da tsoro dandana su ba.

Madam Carrie — Volume UKU

Amma duk da nufina na ba dandanawa, shi ya bar wani mummunan “m m” dandano a cikin su, kuma duk wanda (da fatan ba) ya taba dandana “toast daga baya karshen” zai san abin da nake nufi.

Kuma ta ƙarshe ya yi farin ciki da wannan yayin da ta sake dawowa a kan gado, kuma ta yi dariya yayin da na ci abinci mai ban sha'awa, kuma ta janye wayarta.

Danna, danna! Ya tafi, kamar yadda ta kama ta fushi ga wasoson, kuma ko da yake shi ne daban-daban danna ga wadanda m nono clamps na ambaci karkashin zai yi, shi ne ba kasa wulakanci da tsoro wahayi.

Kuma ta yi maganganu da yawa a lokacin wannan fitina, ga kowannensu na kasance (a fili ko kuma!) Ana sa ran amsawa.

“Wedgie yaro yana son cin veggies, ba ya ya!”

Kuma kamar yadda na dubi ta a cikin bakar magana, firgita irin hanya, karshe yanki na toast har yanzu “wedged” a cikin “wedgie yaro ta rectum”, ta bellowed sake, kuma shi sauti kamar wani garken fushi giwaye ƙaho a unison.

“Na ce...!”

“Oh, eh ina yi, Madam! Hakika na yi, Hakika! ...” Kuma na babbed incohently kamar yadda...

... Maganata!

Akwai ƙarin a cikin jerin Madam Carrie, ba shakka!

Amma wannan abin da kuke kira Allahn gaskiya, eh?

Dole na yi sauri don yanzu. Baya nan da nan tare da ƙarin!

Mafi kyau,

Mike Watson

PS - Wannan sakon ya fara bayyana HERE - Canonical link

Amma tun lokacin da Medium ya ga dacewa don dakatar da asusun, da kyau, asarar su! Hehe.

Samun Madam Carrie YANZU - littafin, ina nufin! Ba za ku so ku sanya shi ba - - wannan na tabbatar.

PS #2 - Babbar godiya ga duk masu sayen takarda, wanda ke nuna cewa kana da gaske cikin shi!